Sunday, May 1, 2011

Stages

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

These are what are commonly known as "The Five Stages of Grief."
I wish I knew what stage I was in.
I find myself wallowing in these five words more often than not over sitautions that range from 'I have eaten so off plan this whole week' to 'I need my momma' to 'when am I going to find a job' all the way back to childhood's 'why did my uncle give me the presents that my dad brought to his house for me as kid as if my dad hadn't brought them for me?'. I didn't know as a child this occured mind you. I was told by step mom a couple of years ago about this and she described one rag doll (among other items he left for me) that for years I never have been able to understand why my doll loving cousin would give her doll hating cousin (me) a rag doll. And when I did ask why I got doll I was told they thopught we both needed dolls that year. By the way my cousins doll drank a bottle and would pee and close her eyes.
I know I can't change the past and I can't control the future. But don't ya think I could gain some hold on the present? Heck I am so wound up in these words I am in differen't stages for different situations all at the same instance. I am denying my health issues, trying to accept things with momma, angry at the father I wish I had had, and bargining with God over personal relationships all while being deeply depressed about the whole mess!
I wish I knew how to be happy. The day to day kind of happy that is. Free of the past issues, all delt with and neatly put away. I want to be "normal". I want to be the kind of person you see in the kind of relationship see where a couple goes to bed, she putting on lotion and he reading a book and they are all friendly and smoochy. But I am more of the give me space and my pillow and leave me be to shut my mind down so I can have some peace type.
I have always been told I care too much and I hang on to things....but honestly I think that is part of the problem with alot of things today. People don't care enough! But can I possibly care too much? Can caring kill? Maybe, since I am drowning in the deep end of these stages.
I wish I could drop all my baggage but in all honesty the more I try to lay it down it just seems the more I end up carrying.

1 comment:

Kimberlynn said...

I'm sorry things are so hard Wendy. We've all been there...you're not alone. I'll have you in my prayers.