Sunday, May 29, 2011

Well feeling a little bit better about things today.

Thanks guys! I appreciate it you having my back...well at least in a cyber pet you on the head cause your ice cream feel of your cone kind of way that you have it.:)
I thought about calling for his supervisor except he is the director of the facility.....yeah.
It just sucks because in my go big or go home way I was actually thinking "Sweet God is turning the tide I could get hired here transfer mom if it is a really good place and move back to my home town and dah dah dah." You know all smoke and glitter covered type pipe dreams.
Oh!!! An odd thing happened yesterday in relation to this. I got a voice mail and it was from him. No he wasn't apologizing. Apparently i missed the voice mail somehow and just got the missed call notice and had called back from it. Any hoo ol' boy left a message about the who, what and where and why being he wanted to set up a interview. Well on that voice mail is also a moment where you can here some one in the back ground and he yells at them for interrupting and goes back to leaving me a message like nothing happened!wth?????? He verbally beotch slapped the poor woman in the back ground! If I had heard the message when he left it (still not sure why it came through the next day) I would have never even thought of calling back. I mean i do want a job. Unemployment sucks in that you don't get them same as what you used to make and there is only so much tv you can handle in a day. Or reading, internet, or housework for that matter. But I honestly would not last long there. I can already feel in my bones that he would do that to some one infront of me and Lord help us all me and my big mouth would be on it like a dog wallering a dead animal!
Well if that last line didn't tell you I am southerner I don't know what ever will!

On a lighter note, and if your stell wondering if I am actually southern or not, I baked cookies for the boy today. Home made, from scratch choclate chip oreo stuffed cookies! They are deadly! I would post a pick of them if I knew how because every woman should have these babies in their recipe box.

Hope you all are doing way better than me! As for myzzzzself I thzzzz..i..zzzznnkk I fezzz..eelzzzzl azz nap cccoooo zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Friday, May 27, 2011

How to be totally excited and then crushed in about 20 minutes.

Well I got my first call for a interview since being fired in dec of last year (whole other post in it's self for another day) and withing 20 minutes no longer had the interview.

I called and was scheduled and being the ocd over achiever I am I went to their web site to start refreshing myself about them. I happened to think I should eyeball the job description as well. Well I noticed it seemed different and (because I am ocd i copied and pasted the orginal job description I applied to and saved it in a word doc.)when I checked my saved copy it was different by several lines. One line which was new stated requiring a social workers license. Well ok....hhmmmm. So i called the interviewer back to ask about it. I told him I did not have the licenses part of the requirements. He asked "well what do you have then? " I told him my degrees and additional areas to which he replied " is that all?let me grab your resume...oh wait i remember now...(and i am quoting) your resume was terrible and too hard to read. you know what your wasting my time just cancel this( i assume the interview) and hung up on me.

I have a Bachelors and Masters with two areas of focus. I feel so punched in the stomach right now.

Yeah I guess that is all.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Just a few of the things I have on my mind tonight.

From tonight's episode of Criminal Minds, William Glasser - "What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with what we are today."

A phrase that I pretty much think of on a daily baisis "The things we carry with us." I googled it to see if it was a quote I may have heard in my english lit luck. If any one knows of one it belongs to let me know though!

And have just finnished watching "Seven Pounds". And for some reason since it is showing back to back I am watching it again. Maybe I just need a good heart wrenching cry?

One last thing, but the one I would give any thing for, I if could trade places with my mom I would. In a heart beat. No second thoughts. Today she has called me, ironically enough, 7 times. And each time, for a brief moment my mind tricks me and it is like holding the past in my fingers just for it to slip away. Last night when we visited she complained of not having my number so I wrote it down on several post it notes and placed them around her room taping over them to keep them in place. I am glad I did so she can call me.....I just, yeah.

Last night she also asked me a few different times to go get her daughter for her. I am her only child.


Too tired today to have much of anything beneficial too say. Maybe tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Note to self.

Dear Me,
You need to know when you are tired enough to forget where you are driving to you should go home and stay there. And take a nap. You should not go to walmart and do some totally useless shopping that results in ice cream( two different kinds at that!) coming home with you and not getting any thing necessary like foil. Or a refill for your beloved ink pen.

You should also not not go see your mom but you should know when you are this tired the two hour round trip to get there will make it worse resulting in crappola food choices. Yes mt dew and sprite are some tasty drinks. Yes the bacon cheeseburger pizza you picked up for dinner with mom was really tasty with it's pickle and mustard instead of tomato sauce. Yes the ice cream cookie sandwich you ate on the way there was also tasty (carp that makes three different kinds of ice cream today!ugh!) with its soft cookies and mini chocolate chips. And while you know when you ordered the pizza you could have gotten yoruself a equally good salad didn't did you? Why because your tired.

Your forgot appointments today and phone calls that had to be made. You just went down hill after your weightloss group meeting and yes, the psuedo weight watchers thing is still stuck in your craw (is that how you spell craw?) but come on! You have thought the weight watchers thing through enough to know what is getting to you about today's anouncement is this....yes they can learn how to do it. And yes several or all may do it well and loose weight where you flopped at it. And there is also the issue you have that it won't be done properly...cause people green peas ain't free! And just because fruit is free doesn't make it a free for all! I don't feel it will be done correctly. It bothers me because I was raised that if you are going to do something do it right. And it bother's me that several things I know to be correct that I have learned in the meeting I being told by those who have not put in the time that I am wrong. I was so ill about it at one point I flipped the books and was like here...such and such is such and such points....not free! And then when I said i have links to some really great ww's sites and the correction pdfs you would have thunk I asked to skin someone's puppy!
I need to get off of it...the horse is dead and I have beat it to mush.

Oh and yes Wendy you can be ok with being a bit bothered by the fact that when the group was talking about the sumer picnic and what they were bringing when you requested turkey dogs you were looked at like you had a turkey dog growing from your forhead. And you can be bothered that the closest thing to a healthy vegetable will be mayonaise based cold slaw. No one liked your offering of a fresh veggie tray...reason being we will have two potato salads, cole slaw, chips, and mayonaise based chicken salad and crackers to accompany the hot dogs. Don't even get me going on the full sugar and fat desserts! But it is ok to be upset with it. It is a bee in your bonnet and you can deal with it. You figured that if the picnic is hosted by a weightloss baised group that the options would be is just disappointing that they aren't.

You may even be sad becuase the enviornment your depending on for healthy support....well you can read the picnic offerings and guess it ain't too figure friendly to say the least. Ok and yeah so darn near a dozen people are bringing desserts...some are bringing two! What the heck is with that???? 98% of what I heard was going to be brung was not one darm bit healthy. Because let's be honest a cherry loses a lot when it comes in a jar marked "marachino"!!! And the woman who put the smack down on your sugar free angel food cake with blueberry sauce made with splenda (or even stevia) idea because you might buy blueberries that are sent over from china and we all know chinese people put poison on them....well she is just looking out for everyone's health. Dear Lord help me she did say it and meant it. How I managed not to fall over out of my chair I still don't know.

Ok ...breathe it is ok. Your just tired. And no one will force you to eat food there. And you can even pack your own this and that because well heck it is your body and no one elses. Just shrug off the dissapointment and move forward. Your do remember forward right? Generally recognized as the direction your face is going in? Well the direction it would be going in if you weren't about to go face deep into your pillow. Now go to bed and spare anyone else from your is getting weird!

Nighty nighty.

I hate turtles!

well not all turtles. I like the small quarter sized ones. And Love the pecan ones! The ones I hate are the ones you are when your weight just sights there.
AAAaarrggghhhh! for two weeks now when I weigh in I am told "woohoo you turtled!" and for the life of me I have to promise myself a pecan turtle if I don't smack the person saying it. I mean come on, if I was at goal then yeah woohoo but I am so far from goal it is not even a twinkle in my eye yet!
"WOOHOO you turtled"....stupid, flipping, ggrrhhgghh.

If the scale hadn't been one of those expensive digital one I would have kicked it.

Maybe the rest of the day will be better.

Oh and carpiest of it all? The weightloss group I go to are going to all try to follow Points Plus! What the heck??? They aren't weight watchers and if you read past posts you will see why this is such a issue for me! I just about smacked my head on the table when I heard it today! June 21st as a group we are going to follow points plus. There will be a prgram discussing how to do it. Which I should add when I talked to the person doing the program....yeah it is gonna be a mess! Olive are free they said. Eat as much fruit as you's free! Green peas are free to! I was like um no. I felt like the got in the aflac ommercial ""nah" "nah" "nah".
I akse dwhat they were going to do about calulator's for the program. The person leading the Donner party towards the California promise of Weight Watcher's with out the knowldge was all "I have the math they use to figure it out...we don't need the calculators". Ooooyyeee this is going to be a hot mess!
And I know I don't have to do it if I don't want to but this has been a huge headaache shapped debate in my head for a while. And dang it! I just made peace with sparkpeople yesterday when they rolled out sparkpeople d!

Can I have two pecan turtles? One for each hand and all?

Sunday, May 22, 2011

My neighbor's undies

Title pretty much says it all. Got a call from neighbor last night, she needed things and was not (she says) able to leave her daughter....mostly it was a want thing. But I digress. Goober here answers the call and takes a list of needs from her house to bring her.

UNDERWEAR.(yes it was clean but still!)

Lines were crossed when i had to touch other people's bare feet to put their shoes on them yesterday.I absolutly hate feet. I think socks should be worn year round so as not to put sock makers out of business and their families on the street. But when I need to, I am willing to take one for the team and get what needs to be done done. As well as I can at times suck it up and bottle up my freak out and have it in the comfort of my own home, but underwear! And they had no flipping tongs in their kitchen either! I stood there in front of the drawer or drawers and lord bless me I gagged on my own panic. When I go to the laundromat I grab up ours in a bunch and secret them into a laundry basket like a ninja secreting away whatever their life may depend on.
I am also the girl who when her brother's ex wife was trying on wedding dresses and I saw parts of her I feel only my brother should have ever seen of anyone in our family couldn't look at her in the face for months! And carp if I wasn't who she wanted to have dress her on her wedding day since I helped her through all her try ons.
But where were we? Oh yeah in front of the drawers. Oh my giddy aunt Gertrude! Lines people! LINES have been crossed! Plain ones, neighborly ones, emotional ones and panty ones.

Forget what I said about wanting to live in the country....I want to live in ANOTHER country now. In the counrty area of another country just to be sure.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Neighbor drama aside.....

After some more goings on tonight with the neighbors the hubs and I went to dinner. At some point during eating I realized I treat everytime I eat like an event. I eat like I am celebrating and unless I want to celebrate yet another size larger I need to pump the brakes on this behavior.
It was sad becuase I hadn't even ordered and I was already thinking "hey i need ice cream after this." during eating the thought was " i need to buy a colts boltz or two for later tonight when I am reading." stopped at gas station on the way home "i need peanut butter m&ms". I did good and didn't get any of this stuff but I can't help but wonder what makes me tick like this?

Do any of you think this way or did you once uppon a long time ago? How did you stop or get over doing this?

So stinkin' proud of myself!

I am proud to announce I figured out how to make a blogs I read list!!!! Wootwoot!!!!

Added to at 6:35pm same day.

Well I thought I would have some interesting snippet or tale to share but nope. I have sat/lay on the couch all day getting my Glee on.
I have written what I have eaten but it ain't pretty.
4 small bb muffins through out the day. 4 tblsp smart balance. 3 brats with buns, 1-1/4 cup kraft mac n cheese. tasted some veggie dip, three petite (cause anything bigger might turn me healthy;) ) baby carrots. Oh an a coke a cola slushie. Must ban self from hucks!

Oh did I mention yesterday I had a v8?

Tonight for dinner will be a chicken and snow pea stir fry sans rice.

I also had to go and get the neighbor settled down and get her and her duaghter to the ER. I am not sure what is going on but the daughter(48) was having stomach pains and to sooth the pain her mother gave her several 500mg vicodin. Not sure how many several mean but the girl was still in pain a hour or two latter when I went over as well as going from hot to cold and back in minutes and the room spinning.
I wish I lived out in the country.
Anyhoo the husband had been over earlier and was trying to get them out the door or an ambulance called to no avail. He came back over here to the house and told me what was going on so I went back over with him. Which I can see part of the problem. The daughter is wadded up in bed and the mother is flipping out and the hubs, trying to be in control is raising his voice jacking up the level of the mom's flipped outness.
I droppped my voice and went to check on the daughter and talked to her for a minute. Then when the mom and the hubs(mine) started coming in and out of the room I, keeping my voice on the same level told him to pull their car around to the front as the front steps were shorter than the back and had the mom get the girls shoes and their purses as well as a house coat. The daughter was a good candidate for a house coat. Did I already say I wished I lived in the country?
So anyhoo I tell hubs and the mom where they need to be and get the daughter into her shoes and house coat and we get up and start making our way through the house down the steps where my husband (lord help me) lifted her against his hip instead of a craddle carry. She started struggeling and I started telling him her feet need to be on the ground or she is going to feel like she is spinning worse. We get them in the car and the daughter started hollering for me to go to. Ok ..told hubs to follow me and we manage to get them to the ER.....and into the "area of admissions and triage." And that is where they still are. Well at least I hope by now they are further back in the ER or admitted and she is getting seen to.
I will say this again, I WISH I LIVED IN THE COUNTRY! I say this only because this is the calmest interaction we have had with these neighbors. Number two is when they moved in in the middle of the night. Three would be the mom asking me (in referance to my reddish hair) if "the carpet matches the drapes?" to which the hubs answered "No...we have blinds." From there it is a escalating group of stories fit for a pub crawl!

Oh shoot! Their dog needs to be walked. Poor thing! I forgot to go and do it earlier :( send the dog good thoughts. Poor thing has to live there and depened on me to remember it today!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Friday ppppffffffff!

Well laid on the couch and ate. Played on the computer and ate.
I ate 1/3 of my extra thick rolled oats with splenda and smart balance, a bake potato with smart balance and butter, half a totino's party pizza, a single serve packet of smooth operator peanut butter, too much chez mix, too much pasta with roasted veggie and turkey bolognese, along with a huge amount of garlic cheese bread and a 20 ounce coke. I was going to top it all of with a blizzard but stopped myself.

I also had a call from a friend earlier. She was odd acting on the phone Or at least I feel she was acting odd. I applied for a position a several of weeks ago and asked her to read my cover letter. Well she took her time about it and I just figured oh well she forgot or something asked someone else to do it and sent it in. She called a few days after that to say she was going to look at it the next day and email it back. I was surprised and said I had already sent it in. She then proceeds to tell me everything that was wrong with didn't you say you were going to look at it the next day? How does she ...anyway.
Well the next time I hear from her is a day or two later and she tells me she has been applying for jobs and when I ask her what types she s me "such and such professional". Which I found odd because one I have never in the ten years I have known her heard her speak of any such interest and two it is the same type of job I am applying for. Um ok. Well ain't that nice? And so fast forward to tonight (two weeks since I last heard from here btw), she calls wanting to know if I have heard anything about it yet and when 8 tell her nothing beyond cinforming my application was register she seemed eager to get off the phone. Maybe it is just me but for some reason a voice inside me is saying she applied for the same job after she heard about it from me. Maybe I am being petty but when I was first telling her about it she wanted all the tiny details of where I found the add and such. But when I asked about the place she applied to for the same type position she would only say here and there. She also became upset sounding when I told her a long time family friend is on the board of directors. I was telling her this because he is also one of my referances on my resume. I told her I had spoken to him about wether he preffered I take him on or off the resume and to let him know I was applying as well as to find out more about the "position" and its goals as well as to also say I wasn't looking for a "in" so to speak but I felt since the situation was odd that I should let him know that I was applying. He said he was fine with being on my resume and if there was an issue he would remove himself from the search committee as well. But I am getting off track. Something keeps nagging at me that she applied for the job as well nd that she is keeping it from me. I do think I am better suited for the job. I have the background, personal and professional experience. Not to mention I have a Masters Degree to her Bachelors. I also hold the same belief system as this position is looking for. I guess now would be a good time to add the detail the position is with a non profit organization with the baptist denomination as a strong factor in it's practices.
But all this aside...the voice is still there nagging at me. I mean she was talking about going back to school to be a nurse and a few days later she is applying for a similar position???? I am trying hard not to be petty about this and keep nice about it all. but the nagging feeling just keeps a nagging.

Please send positive vibes. I don't want to feel this way about this. I can use all the prayers and good thought I can get....I really want this job!

More blah blah blah

Well I slept. Some.
I am so worn out I think I did amazing to even eat a third of my oatmeal today. But then last night was also a binge fest. I was just beyond hungry. I had 2 salmon patties, too much tomato mac, stewed potatoes, a badked potato with some smart balance and a slice of cheese, a large frozen coke, and maybe some other stuff ..oohhh wait 1/3 slice of coconut pie with short bread crust and meringue, and some cantaloup. Yep I THINK that is all of it from dinner to bed. I didn't eat breakfast which i wasn't hungry when i got up yesterday but I did eat lunch which was salmon patties, tomato mac, and stewed potatoes. And noshed here and there on the evil tomatoe mac which I am from here on out going to liken to the devil.

Today is today. I told hubs last night that I am just going to sit on my butt all day tom and he said "like your doing now?" um yeah that wen't over like a lead ballon with wieghts attached.

I am proud of myself with my posting spree this week.
And I will probably post more later today but for now off to sit on my butt since I seem so good at it these days!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ready for the day to be over already!

I am ready to crawl in my bed and sleep. Sadly the gas issues are starting up again!
If they stay at the level they are ate i can manage...if not well ............

Went to see Momma tonight. The nurse meet me at the door with the news her roommate had passed away. I felt like this was going to happen soon. I am very deeply sorry for her family. I am not happy to know though that they kept my mom in the physical rehab area all day with out letting me know. I am glad she wasn't in the room for it and she has no clue that is what happened. She thinks the roommate went home. But for some reason I feel like they should have called me should she have had a bad time of it so I could be there for her and not have to be on my way there after the fact.

Food and health wise, well that is a slippery slide down a smooth hill to land in crap creek with no paddle in sight. I have let everything go. I didn't start walking Easter sunday and you know what? It is true that "in a year you will wish you started today" cause i already wish I had started and stuck with this years ago!

Well I am off. I hurt and I am burping like my life depends on it. I guess at least on the bright side it is burps and not the other way around or both ways!

edited to add....I have 7 followers now!!! OMG!!! My favorite number at that! I think I may need to take a bath in skittle to celebrate *wink* *wink* at number 7. Love your blog by the way:)

Aaaahhh Thursday.

Long day already. I have been working my way through child support bureaucracy because the boy's father has not paid support for the second time now since January of this year. I have honestly tried to be nice, especially as he is a truck driver and needs his license but I am at my wits end. He told me in Febuary he would start getting padi agian in March (he quit his job because he just didn't like them...yeah in this economy really? and went in hunt of a new one)but so far hasn't. And on top of it all he tells me "I should understand because this is hard on him and his new family too." He also referred to our son as "obligation" he has to pay for. As if the boy is a bill for services rendered.
I get he has a new wife and I am happy he is blessed with one. I get that he has also made the choice to bring her to his home town with three of her children in tow and prefers to acknoledge those non blood related children as his own and his blood child as a "obligation". Ok fine. His loss missing out on the amazing person the boy is. But this blatant refusal to do his part is getting to me now. I no longer care that he keep a license to be able to drive a semi. He has done his best to do his bare minimium in this case. He has gotten behond before and I am nice enough to contact him not official shild support enforcement. But today....well today I am done with nice. I don't want him to not have a license or sit in jail but I don't want him to keep taking advantage either. I am not sure how far I will push this either though. Any suggestions? I was told I can turn him into child support for non payment and I have and that I can report his intent not to pay support which I for some reason take to mean the law gets involved. I just don't know how far to puch ya know?

I have managed to get my mom's diability there is a win for the day.

I also managed to only get two hours of sleep last night. So maybe the day is barely breaking even? And it was by force I didn't sleep. The hubs snored so loud I even heard him in the other room and for some reason I had the worest gas ever! I had a snack of triscuits yesterday and up my veggies but dang! This was bad enough that i was having to fight not throwing up when I burped and my abdomen was lumpy! WT HECK??? It was crazy bad ....I took four extra strength gas ex gel tabs and then the pepermint flavoe started to make me gag as well. I would say around 6 am is when I literally passed out from exhaustion this morning. I have had bad times of this before but never this bad. I was even to the point if I had had insurance I would have headed to the E.R. . At least the lumpy abdomen is gone this morning but I am trying to barely nibble here and there as I am worried it may start again.

We are going tonight to have dinner with momma and to change the deadbolt locks on her front door. I have this dread the night is going to be a long one and I already have a migrains starting.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011 wensda..wait...wedensday....

I am so tired i can't spell the day! I am honestly sitting here and trying to spell it but for the life of me I can't with out a little spell check help! Btw it's wednesday. all this name of the day talk has reminded me of the Monday's child poem....

Mondays child poem

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

Which made me look up what day of the week I was born on. I think the poem is wrong because I was born on Monday. But if you take the boy for example , he was born on friday, it is as correct as perfection.

Anywho...busy day already. I got up got ready for the day, loaded the dishwasher and fixed some breaksfast. I then ran to rite aid, walgreens and the bank before heading over for a counseling apt. Which over achiever me scheduled for the next 6 months worth of appointments! I think I have hit the honeymoon phase of the new medication I am on. I just hope this lasts. It would be nice to be "on" instead "huh?". Then I went to this place called Beans to Blossoms to pick up some snow peas (which I had some from there last night and if a snow pea can taste perfect their's definatly do!)a hanging basket of picasso petunias that they made up for me.
I also found out while I was there I had planted my zinnia's more like grass should be planted. So I asked them if they wanted my extra seedling so as not to just throw them away. They said sure.

So as you can guess miss can't spell but in the honey moon phase and "on" over here came home started lunch and dug up a few hundred zinnia seedling and took them promplty back over there. I think they didn't believe me when I described what I had and how I planted but I am confident they do now.
After dropping them off I scooted home, dead headed the garden, ate some lunch and have been plotting revenge on the squirrles for digging up whole tomato and pepper plants!

I am tickled with how much better I feel today compared to the last few weeks. It is awesome. Well except for that from the gardening and all my legs hurt so bad that when I sit down they shake. And I kind of can't get them to stop. I am sure it is from using muscles I have ignored for eons and nothing serious. It is kind of funny though. I have always been a leg jiggler but this is a whole new level. I think I am going to get me some alieve and quit picking at my lunch and take a nap.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

And it is only Tuesday!

I swear it feels like a week should have already passed but no such luck! It is only Tuesday. I am so tired I could curl up in the bathroom floor, barricade the door and cry myself to sleep while sucking my thumb. And I am not ashamed to admit it.

We looked at another rehab place for momma. Fell in love and then they ask what her insurance is...which they don't take. Come on people. Found out her dr has been sitting on her paper work for two weeks on top of the other one sitting on it for 6 weeks. And the people waiting for the papers say they call every three days until they get guessed it they didn't. How do all this people keep getting a paycheck for not doing their jobs? Oh and the people waiting for the papers and I were on the phone when at one point the woman i was talking with berated how I have handled things and that I have done everything wrong and i must get paperwork that doesn't concern her from the people it does concern as it has private medical information on it. I finally told her after she accused accused me of being irrational and telling me to get a hold of myself that she needed to worry about her part and the paper work that concerns her that she didn't keep in touch over on any level so far and not tell me how to take care of one of the few aspects of this whole sitaution that are taken care of absolutly the way they should be.
I can not believe the woman called me irrational and all that phooey. And this was her reply when I simply asked her " what do I need to do to get you what you need today to start getting my mom her disability again?". I said it nicely enough that when she started yelling at me on the phone my son was even shocked.
I think I need some migraine meds and a nap until Thursday or Friday rolls around.

Oh an i still have to go grocery shopping tonight.

And I have not lost any weight this week. I maintained but sucks.

What day is this again? Tuesday? Are you sure? Maybe the calendar is off?

Monday, May 16, 2011

Monday whupped up on me!

Long day of working on mom's diabiity paperwork again. I wrote a new pen dry working on it last night! I have also spent 3 hours on the phone today with her dr.s in paducah and tn trying to get them to get disability the papers they need for her claim.
I ate micky d's for lunch. Not such a great idea.
I then ran errands, went and picked up my son from school and took him for after school snack. I came home and just got a casserole in the oven for dinner when my phone rings and flashes the rehab center's name. My first reaction was oh no! When I answered the phone it was mom demanding to go home. Well long story short the boy and I went to visit and explain the dr is not ready to discharge her yet. We did sign her out to take her by her house to check on things as she said she would be happy if she could just do that. Well we went by her place and drove around some other places. Taking her back to rehab she became highly aggitated and refused to talk to me. Then when will start to pull into rehab she starts telling me no. I explained to her again the dr isn't ready for her to go home yet. Then when we parked she refused to get out of the truck. After 15 minutes of me asking and her refusing she got out but hollard at me demanding her keys because she would just leave later. Ok ok ok. We get her inside and i update nurses on what we did and how things went. One nurse was nice enough to tell me it was probably a bad idea to check her out. No really? You think? Huh I would have never guessed.
I go back to her room and between my son and I we got her settled down and settled in. She asked me not to call the dr and when I asked why I would call the dr she said not to call him and ask him to keep her there. I am still not sure how the breaking on the inside of me at that moment didn't crack through to the outside. I told her I would never do that. And I told her if she needed me to live with her when she can go home I would. She then asked about my son and his going to school. I said he could still stay at home and go to school or I would put him in school in her hometown and take him and pick him up each day. She then nodded her head at me.

Let me back track to going to her house though for a bit as my son and I had to go back after leaving her. When we went by earlier going in I discovered her door was completly unlocked. Odd since I and my son check it each time and only she has keys to it. Mom also mentioned when she looked in her bedroom it looked like someone had beeen on her bed. Like had laid on top of the cover on it. I went out back to check things out and found part over fence is broke and the plants beside it trampled. So some one has been messing with my mother's home. I found out the neighbor's kids are running wild around my mom's home from another neighbor and so one police report later and a planned trip to pick up some light timers I am hoping this is the worest of it. I just can't believe people! My mom is the kind of neighbor who has your why can't her's at least respect her and reel their kids in?

Dinner was chic fila, waffle fries and lemonade........I so don't wnat to weigh in tommorrow. Well poop. make that today as it is now 12:02am! ugh!

What the what?

So i am trolling around the blogs this morning while eating my oatmeal (fyi Bob's Red Mill extra thick oats rock! not a advertisment or review just my opinion:) ) when what did I see???? My blog listed on some one else's blogs I read list! No kidding??? I was so tickled I almost pee'd myself:) I feel so cool now...i can see me or at least my blog name on one more person's reading list!

Sorry I think it has gone to my head now! lol watch out Pioneer Woman by tommorrow visits to my site will out number your site's visit.....well maybe they will out number the times me, myself and I visit your site daily anyway;)

Now I just need to learn how to follow others! Woo boy then won't I be even more awesome? lol!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Unnatural Fascination

I am so deeply fascinated with this song and video. I love how Adele looks in it. I love the glasses with their water shaking. The dancer in the powder. The broken dishes! All of it! EVERY BIT OF IT!

Lately this has been my go to song.
When I find myself singing this song for any and every reason these days. I am happy and we go "Rolling in the Deep" and "I start playing it to the beat" as loud and strongly as my body will allow me.
When I hurt well "Tears are gonna fall" and I feel so alone in my pain and hurt that "Baby, I have no story to be told" because I feel that alone inside of it all.
When I am upset or frustrated and "Finally, I can see you crystal clear,
Go ahead and sell me out and a I'll lay your shit bare,
See how I'll leave with every piece of you,
Don't underestimate the things that I will do", especially when in concerns family or friends.
If you do choose to mess with mine well "Think of me in the depths of your despair".
But sadly when it comes to me, myself, and I "The scars of your love, they leave me breathless" because honestly I open myself too deeply and quickly. Wanting to be liked and needed.
But soon you will see that "There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark," and hopefully I will be able sing it all out into a wonderful freeing feeling that if I am lucky will "Turn my sorrow into treasured gold".

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Not too bad a day all in all.

Tonight we went for a drive. Well we started out going to LBL (Land Between the Lakes for anyone not familiar with "LBL") to go to eat at this little burger stand. I figured out when we got there that I forgot it was Tuesday and the burger place is closed on Tuesday:( So then we headed to drive by the locks and damn dam (sorry little Lampoon humor for you there) because all the locks are open to allow for all the flooding water coming through. It was crazy to see all the locks open! Last year this time I don't think but half of them were open when Tn had all their flooding but I could be wrong. So any way we stoppped by a pizza place for dinner which was so so.Kind of dissapointed since I have heard all this raving about it and it didn't really live up to it. After we eat the fam gets back on the road and we go see momma at rehab. She was pretty popular tonight. Two of her other friends were there and it was starting to be standing room only. I was glad though she and I had some alone time at the end where I got her old nail polish off her and helped her get settled for the night.
I didn't get to weigh in this for the second week in a row:( the person with the scale is flooded in:( :( :( He is ok though. I told him call if he needed anything....we could float things across on one of those pool rafts or some such if nothing else :)
I almost went back to Weight Watchers tonight.....because I couldn't weight today and because I miss the nice people there. But it will be ok.

I have started taking blood pressure meds. Apparently the stress is getting to me. On Easter Sunday my bp was crazy high. So let's hope the meds help.....which let me just add one is a, oh shoot...what is it called? I remember hearing women call them their "water pill" back in the day. Well "water pill" is a good nickname! ooyyeee!
It is doing it's job which is good but wow!

Oh and on the job search front I recieved a few rejection emails today. Last week I was all thrilled with this apply online part of job searching but this week when rejection comes via email....not so much.

I have also delt with alot of mom's affairs/business today. People really are beyond me with how they act at times. And while I am sure I am probably beyond others with my actions at times today has really been a day and a half of attitude!

But all in all it has not been too bad of a day. We have a roof and dry clothing. We had a nice dinner out as family. I saw momma and visited with her and friends. And honestly it coudld all be so much more worse! So thank you Lord for letting me keep my momma even with all I have to get done for her. Thank you for my son and husband and our family time. And oh what the hey thank you even for my cat who even as I type is promptly cutely killing a roll of paper towels under the desk :) Your a pretty good provider Lord!

Sunday, May 1, 2011







These are what are commonly known as "The Five Stages of Grief."
I wish I knew what stage I was in.
I find myself wallowing in these five words more often than not over sitautions that range from 'I have eaten so off plan this whole week' to 'I need my momma' to 'when am I going to find a job' all the way back to childhood's 'why did my uncle give me the presents that my dad brought to his house for me as kid as if my dad hadn't brought them for me?'. I didn't know as a child this occured mind you. I was told by step mom a couple of years ago about this and she described one rag doll (among other items he left for me) that for years I never have been able to understand why my doll loving cousin would give her doll hating cousin (me) a rag doll. And when I did ask why I got doll I was told they thopught we both needed dolls that year. By the way my cousins doll drank a bottle and would pee and close her eyes.
I know I can't change the past and I can't control the future. But don't ya think I could gain some hold on the present? Heck I am so wound up in these words I am in differen't stages for different situations all at the same instance. I am denying my health issues, trying to accept things with momma, angry at the father I wish I had had, and bargining with God over personal relationships all while being deeply depressed about the whole mess!
I wish I knew how to be happy. The day to day kind of happy that is. Free of the past issues, all delt with and neatly put away. I want to be "normal". I want to be the kind of person you see in the kind of relationship see where a couple goes to bed, she putting on lotion and he reading a book and they are all friendly and smoochy. But I am more of the give me space and my pillow and leave me be to shut my mind down so I can have some peace type.
I have always been told I care too much and I hang on to things....but honestly I think that is part of the problem with alot of things today. People don't care enough! But can I possibly care too much? Can caring kill? Maybe, since I am drowning in the deep end of these stages.
I wish I could drop all my baggage but in all honesty the more I try to lay it down it just seems the more I end up carrying.