Any one still reading this?
I figured I would try this again...
It has been a long 4 years. We survived mom's strokes....if you wanna call it that.
I have found a job I love. Also I have found a new man to love. The ex .. the ex is now an ex for a good reason. He had moved on without telling me when I moved here to take care of mom. He was supposed to follow but he found a reason to stay where he was. I hope he does better by her than he did me. No, really I do.
My job is awesome. I am the social services person at a nursing home. Something I never thought I could do. Some days it is hard. Some ddays one of my people pass and break my heart. Some days I get to send people back home with their loved ons. Other days I just work and work. The building I am now, my second facility, feels like family and that is a blessing. I have never had that before.
The new .. well not so new...we have been together 2 years..is wonderful. He is 40 years old nd from Illinois. He is one of 3 brothers. He is a widower. Which was hard at first. Dating a widower was in my top 3 "Not gonna date" categories. 1 (being no one with kids. 3)no one with jail time/substance abuse issues. Not that either of those two make someone a bad peraon. They are just two categories I know I can't handle
But I digress. I never though a relationship could be what this one is. He is truly my better half.
For now that is all.
I applied for a job a month ago and this morning i found out they are still interviewing!
1)I know higher edu. takes it's sweet time getting through the hireing process....so this should not suprise me.
2)dang how quickly a month goes when your standing on this side of it!
3)If I had started and stuck to a diet and exercise plan a month ago by now it would be a habit and lifestyle change!
Can you feel the deepness?
Oh I have another interview today for a different company. Saturday will be 21 days until I turn 37. When I googled "how long it takes to form a habit"
a common answer was 21 days...........
Well I have mulled this over since Tuesday.
I let myself get my feeling hurts and cry over what a 14 year old said to me.
Let me try to give you some perspective to what was said.....
The scene: It was 80 days at the boy's highschool in prep for a big football game Friday night. The 14 year old girl had been wearing a leotard that if she removed her jacket would shor her bra straps and she would get a referral. This also ties into about two weeks ago I had seen this girl also 14 wearing a skirt that barely covered what mad her a her and stockings and garters there for God and everyone to see thanks to extremely short skirt. I was talking to 14 year olds mom and aunt and this girl came up in our "shock at other students" rammbeling and that for this other girl this outfit was very covered up. I mentioned I didn't want nathan around this girl when 14 year old laugh saying the too shirt skirt girl is one of her friends and "oh...guess who just texted me". All three adults conferred that too shirt skirt could use some more guidance and that how odd it was she just texted .....anyhoo
14yr: I am so ready to take off this jacket.....she explains why as i said above.
me: wait why would you get a referral?
14yr: explains bra straps showing are a dress code violation.
me:(like an idoit trying to refer to a mutual experience) said you would get a referral for a bra strap but the girl who had her garters showing is ok? i am not sure i get that.
14yr: (puffing up and raising her voice) her name is ------. and just because she dresses the way she wants doesn't mean anything. at this point some other comments on how she is said girls friend and how she will defend her were made.
me:(trying to hold back) First of all I didn't know her name, i don't go to school with her and have only heard it once....no make that twice since you just said it again. 2) i know how the outside doesn't always match the inside. I am not commenting on that. I am just asking why if person 1 and person 2 both show underwear why person 1 just goes on her merry way while person 2 would get a referral. Not caring what either are on the inside.....just trying to understand.
and then i started crying.....i freaking hate confrontation.
14yr: well sorry b ut she is my friend and i don't like people talking about her.
me: wasn't about her. it is about how you two can both show underwear and she was ok and you would get a referral.
14yr:well she has long legs...(i guess this was in defense of the too short skirt).
me: (just sat there trying hard not to cry even harder or give her my mom look which i hear is pretty stern) like i said i was just tryoing to understand something i wasn't understanding.
14yr: ok bye see you guys later (slams car door and leaves)
me drives off trying not to get snot and tears all over the place as the boy watches.
I am pathetic. And while I do think outside doesn't reflect inside this too short skirt girl is dressing in a unacceptable fashion. I would be very waryu of my son wanting to hang out with her until i knew her better. I don't think her showing her lacies makes her a 'ho but it also doesn't work in her favor on several levels.
And yes after I went home the eating went all down hill, and yesterday it wallowed in down hill between the feeling sorry for myself and the crap and craving in mys system.
The boy has been having bad headaches/migraines and he goes for an MRI this afternoon. After mom's stroke/anurisms I am panicing something is going to show up and who knows what!
More later....if i make it through the day and finnish in a upright position.
I ate good until a kid made me cry yesterday. Then I wallowed in it big time and ate like a lion at dinner time on the serengeti.......well if the lion could call out for pizza and had popcorn balls. And chocolate and damn it i just remembered i didn't track the soda i guzzeled down.
And I think this is a huge wall in the way of my getting healthy and losing weight(among other things).
I read all over God's creation how we have to like oursleves....no love our selves in order to break free and loose and get healthy. But i don't like me so where does that leave me? And what about others like me?
I know I have good intentions but then again.....isn't the road to hell paved with them? And ironically, as Dante says "we carry our hell within ourselves" (not sure about the exactness of the quote) which I totally agree with.
So If I am making my way to my inner hell with my own intentions how messed up does that make me? Or my effort to loose this weight.
Cause I am losing my mind today.
Unbelieveable ill at everything. Fussed with the boy tried to make up and was told "diasable my phone ....it is stupid and I don't want it anymore. I am tired of messing with it." the fussing had nothing to do with his phone ssooooo wth?
I feel like no one is here for me but I have to be one and here and bubbly for everyone else.
I got my hair done monday. It took three hours and it is fairly nice but I think why I am so happy with it is I talked to another adult and laughed and cut up for three hours....not because I am so happy about the hair. How pathetic is that?