Friday, June 10, 2011

Finding my "Aha?"

I have told you about my momma's strokes that she had this year and how things have been going with all that it entails. I have told you I am also a only child but have I told you my mom has s brother?
Well she does, he is a couple years older and the type of guy who went to theological school but then hoarded enough food, hygiene supplies, ammo/fire arms and the such to support a walmart super center for like 5 years when 2000 was coming down upon us. I am the type of person though who sat at his dinner table and questioned him over it. He told me that when the millenium hit all those who were baptized would have no worries but that for the unsaved, pardon the pun, it would be hell on earth. He was stockpiling for himself, his wife and there kids, the kids spouses and children for like the next 20 years. And he was telling me the folly of my lack of prepairedness when I asked " if you accept god as your savior and are baptized your saved right?" "well yes." he told me. "and if your under the age of knowledge and innocent your also considered as atype of saved as well right?" he replied "yes". I need to add in here for description purposes that this point he has a gleam in his eye that just screams he knows he has me in his salvation spreading hands, even though I was already baptized baptist at this point i guess hedidn't perceive it as truly being asked and given in and to me. But I am getting off track.....sorry. Anyway I then say to him "ok, well if you and your wife and kids are saved and the gradkids are all well below the age of knowledge and by witch considered innocent and of equal standing with the saved what are you worried about when 2000 hits?" He shot my aunt this big grin and leaned back saying "nothing we are children of God and have nothing to fear of the millinium". I just nodded my head agreeing with him and then said " well then I don't get why your building up your supplies for if your not going to need them cause isn't that like telling God yeah " I believe in you but I still want proof you are there and have my back".
He also enjoys teaching people how to make their employer pay them 25-50% more than they make now withought even realizing they(the employeer) is doing it. Why does this sound like embezzling? Anyhoo these are just a couple of the things this guy does. Oh and the make your employer pay you more thing....he was hawking that one at my grandfather's funeral visitation. Fool even went to our attorney handeling the estate and persisted he could help the guy get more money until he told my uncle "i have my own firm and I pay myself.....btw I am the estate lawyer and we need to discuss the will since your so big in to handeling business at this moment." Needless to say my uncle never went around this man again. Well that is to say until he went to the bank two weeks after my grandaddy died trying to get into granddady's and mom's joint checking account. The same one he was asked to sign on to months earlier but refused because he didn't want to be responsible. The lady he spoke to at at the bank instead of denying him access went and as she couldn't reach my mom they had my number so she called me to say Mr. blah blah blah is here and he is needing money out of the acount. She was trying to figure out why Mr smith couldn't get his own money out and needed help to figure it out. I was stunned at first and said "well ....not to sound rude and such but how does he look for being dead for two plus weeks?" she didn't say anything. I then asked if the person she had in there saying it was his acount looked like ...and gave a description of my uncle. She said "yes that is who it is." I told her yes he is bob john smith (tried to come up with a good fake name...sorry) but he is JUNIOR. The man who was on the acount was SENIOR. She apologized for calling and i told her not to, i was glad she had called. She then said the branch managaer would explain things to him and "take care of that."
My uncle to busy trying to hang on with both hands while trying to grab at the same time with both hands then proceeded to threathen my mom for the money in the acount. She made him the offer (because legally he couldn't touch the acount as it was in hers and grandaddy's name) that if he wanted to share the cd he had in his and grandaddy's name she would share the acount 50/50. He, in his irrateness, screamed no at her. Dear Uncle if you ever read screwed up buddy. Your cd with 4 digits before the decimal point couldn't hold a candel to her acount with 6 plus digits befor the decimal point. And yes, had he said he would share she would have done so...never mind the bad blood between them. And even if only because my grandaddy said share and share alike 50/50 in the will. My uncle...well you can tell he most likely wouldn't have shared anything but his troubles and woes.

Ok so I can go on and on one tales from the nightmare of estate business with him. But let's see if I can circle myself around back to where I was going.....

The "Aha". Two siblings a couple years apart in age both have stroke just a month or so apart. Wth? His I can see happening. He was huge (i can take the liberty of saying that because i am huge and therefore a card carrying member of the club) and had some pretty big health issues aside from his weight. The man didn't care about food choices and dang if he didn't make them as appealing as he could for himself.
My mom...healthy. Walked sevral miles a day and ate smartly. Was maybe on a bad, bloated day a size 2. M-A-Y-B-E.

Wait...crap...i went the other way with this...doing a "uey".

My point is I feel genetics breathing down the back of my neck. I am scared. How long until DNA comes for me? And how bad will it be when it does find me? How badly will my mind turn on me or my left side fail me? Will I live a full and busy life like my mom? Going places with my dead grandparents (her parents) like she tells me she does? What about my son when I can't look him in the face and know he is mine. The only child I have. The one I saw emerge from my body to be a walking breathing piece of my heart. When I ask him to go get himself for me because he has something I bad will it truely be.

I am scared and for some reason my mind is telling me "this is your Aha!" but then in the same moment it also whispers "see there is nothing you can do to help yourself. It will happen and you, you I will hit harder and leave for worse than them."

How do I get myself to the "Aha" more and not the "sacred into stupid stillness" afariad to do anything except exist? How do people who "get it" and "just do it" do that? How do they find what works for them or at least hang on until they do find it? And how do they keep it going once they do get going?


Kimberlynn said...

I could do a whole entire post on this, but I'll keep it simple.

It's a decision!

You've almost answered your own questions do "just do it" day by day. You find what works for you, and no matter what... you just keep going!

I had to make the same decision for alot of the same reasons. I struggled for nearly 20 years thinking there was some big "Aha" moment. There wasn't for me. It happened when I made the decision to change my life! It's a lifetime committment and once you can sink your teeth into that AND accept it, you'll be there!

The Path Traveled said...

I ask those say type of questions everyday. My mom died of Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrous 13 years ago and her twin died last year of the same thing. I already have signs of not being able to breath. It scares me. I keep going and taking care of myself as best I can. I eat healthier than I ever have, I walk / run 4 miles 5 times a week, I ride my bike, I see both my dermatologist and Oncologist several times a year. I dont know what else I can do. So I keep doing and thats what you will do...Keep doing what you have always done.