Still alive.

We have pretty much completed the move. Can't find anything to save my life, cooking is a night mare and some how i have lost all my socks.
No wallet in sight yet....please God let it show up.
The boy and I are good. The momma is concerning me though. She went fromt he sunroom at rehab to her oom yesterday while visiting and when she didn't return in 15 minutes i went to find her and she had no clue i was there and that we had been visiting.....very, very, very concerning.
Thank you for the good thoughts and prayers. Lord know i appreciate them. Will be back more regularly when we have internet set up at home.
Hope everyone else is doing good:)

I need some prayers

we are moving. long story otherwise....
i have lost my wallet with way too much money to be losing in it. please pray someone returns it.
i really need for things to get turned around. i am trying to be positive but it just keeps getting worse.
mom is fine.

Hanging on my by finger tips because I lost my rope days ago.

Well still here. Still crying. Still not sleeping.
Movng into mom's house. Easiest reasons being because home owner's will not keep her coverage with no one in it and it need to be cared for. We rent Her home is paid for. I have to take care of the more solid of the two.

Not doing good eating, or trying to loose weight. I seem to attract the bad times the harder/more determind I am to loose weight.

Have to get back to the boxes. Hope everyone is doing better than things are here:)

Finding my "Aha?"

I have told you about my momma's strokes that she had this year and how things have been going with all that it entails. I have told you I am also a only child but have I told you my mom has s brother?
Well she does, he is a couple years older and the type of guy who went to theological school but then hoarded enough food, hygiene supplies, ammo/fire arms and the such to support a walmart super center for like 5 years when 2000 was coming down upon us. I am the type of person though who sat at his dinner table and questioned him over it. He told me that when the millenium hit all those who were baptized would have no worries but that for the unsaved, pardon the pun, it would be hell on earth. He was stockpiling for himself, his wife and there kids, the kids spouses and children for like the next 20 years. And he was telling me the folly of my lack of prepairedness when I asked " if you accept god as your savior and are baptized your saved right?" "well yes." he told me. "and if your under the age of knowledge and innocent your also considered as atype of saved as well right?" he replied "yes". I need to add in here for description purposes that this point he has a gleam in his eye that just screams he knows he has me in his salvation spreading hands, even though I was already baptized baptist at this point i guess hedidn't perceive it as truly being asked and given in and to me. But I am getting off track.....sorry. Anyway I then say to him "ok, well if you and your wife and kids are saved and the gradkids are all well below the age of knowledge and by witch considered innocent and of equal standing with the saved what are you worried about when 2000 hits?" He shot my aunt this big grin and leaned back saying "nothing we are children of God and have nothing to fear of the millinium". I just nodded my head agreeing with him and then said " well then I don't get why your building up your supplies for if your not going to need them cause isn't that like telling God yeah " I believe in you but I still want proof you are there and have my back".
He also enjoys teaching people how to make their employer pay them 25-50% more than they make now withought even realizing they(the employeer) is doing it. Why does this sound like embezzling? Anyhoo these are just a couple of the things this guy does. Oh and the make your employer pay you more thing....he was hawking that one at my grandfather's funeral visitation. Fool even went to our attorney handeling the estate and persisted he could help the guy get more money until he told my uncle "i have my own firm and I pay myself.....btw I am the estate lawyer and we need to discuss the will since your so big in to handeling business at this moment." Needless to say my uncle never went around this man again. Well that is to say until he went to the bank two weeks after my grandaddy died trying to get into granddady's and mom's joint checking account. The same one he was asked to sign on to months earlier but refused because he didn't want to be responsible. The lady he spoke to at at the bank instead of denying him access went and as she couldn't reach my mom they had my number so she called me to say Mr. blah blah blah is here and he is needing money out of the acount. She was trying to figure out why Mr smith couldn't get his own money out and needed help to figure it out. I was stunned at first and said "well ....not to sound rude and such but how does he look for being dead for two plus weeks?" she didn't say anything. I then asked if the person she had in there saying it was his acount looked like ...and gave a description of my uncle. She said "yes that is who it is." I told her yes he is bob john smith (tried to come up with a good fake name...sorry) but he is JUNIOR. The man who was on the acount was SENIOR. She apologized for calling and i told her not to, i was glad she had called. She then said the branch managaer would explain things to him and "take care of that."
My uncle to busy trying to hang on with both hands while trying to grab at the same time with both hands then proceeded to threathen my mom for the money in the acount. She made him the offer (because legally he couldn't touch the acount as it was in hers and grandaddy's name) that if he wanted to share the cd he had in his and grandaddy's name she would share the acount 50/50. He, in his irrateness, screamed no at her. Dear Uncle if you ever read this...you screwed up buddy. Your cd with 4 digits before the decimal point couldn't hold a candel to her acount with 6 plus digits befor the decimal point. And yes, had he said he would share she would have done so...never mind the bad blood between them. And even if only because my grandaddy said share and share alike 50/50 in the will. My uncle...well you can tell he most likely wouldn't have shared anything but his troubles and woes.

Ok so I can go on and on one tales from the nightmare of estate business with him. But let's see if I can circle myself around back to where I was going.....

The "Aha". Two siblings a couple years apart in age both have stroke just a month or so apart. Wth? His I can see happening. He was huge (i can take the liberty of saying that because i am huge and therefore a card carrying member of the club) and had some pretty big health issues aside from his weight. The man didn't care about food choices and dang if he didn't make them as appealing as he could for himself.
My mom...healthy. Walked sevral miles a day and ate smartly. Was maybe on a bad, bloated day a size 2. M-A-Y-B-E.

Wait...crap...i went the other way with this...doing a "uey".

My point is I feel genetics breathing down the back of my neck. I am scared. How long until DNA comes for me? And how bad will it be when it does find me? How badly will my mind turn on me or my left side fail me? Will I live a full and busy life like my mom? Going places with my dead grandparents (her parents) like she tells me she does? What about my son when I can't look him in the face and know he is mine. The only child I have. The one I saw emerge from my body to be a walking breathing piece of my heart. When I ask him to go get himself for me because he has something I need...how bad will it truely be.

I am scared and for some reason my mind is telling me "this is your Aha!" but then in the same moment it also whispers "see there is nothing you can do to help yourself. It will happen and you, you I will hit harder and leave for worse than them."

How do I get myself to the "Aha" more and not the "sacred into stupid stillness" afariad to do anything except exist? How do people who "get it" and "just do it" do that? How do they find what works for them or at least hang on until they do find it? And how do they keep it going once they do get going?

Rascal Flatts - 2011 CMT Music Awards - I Won't Let Go

Rascal Flatts - 2011 CMT Music Awards - I Won't Let Go: "Rascal Flatts"


One of the guys in the back up choir is a good friend! I am so stinking proud of him! Even more so since he didn't wave or wear some red flower on his lapel to get some extra attention.....something he is good at doing;)

Rascal Flatts - 2011 CMT Music Awards - I Won't Let Go

Rascal Flatts - 2011 CMT Music Awards - I Won't Let Go: "Rascal Flatts"


One of the guys in the back up choir is a good friend! I am so stinking proud of him! Even more so since he didn't wave or wear some red flower on his lapel to get some extra attention.....something he is good at doing;)

de ja crappy doodle doo....

well the "gentleman" who called me for the interview last week and then 20 minutes later told me my resume was crap and and the worest he had read and i was wasting his time has called back today.
um dude i didn't get a license since last frday and i still only have a bachelor's and a master's sssooooooo yeah.....what the what?
i am too freakin scared to call back and risk the emotional havoc he helped tip off and i wasn't raised to not call someone back. they took their tim so i should respect that.

I honesly would like to think he didn't forget last week so quickly but what else would it be?

Hey Drazil......

since i can't commenton your blog either now i will just post to you here! take that blogger!

I confess
...i am number400 something and 500...i feel ya ocd;)
....that i used to introduce guy friends as boyfriends when asked. Like say shopping in lane bryant and and the says lady would be all up in my bidness asking "oh who is this here is hubby?" i would reply "well great the jig is up now huh? (looking at my guy friend who was uusally gay and holding his hand or cuddling up to him) this is my boyfriend. but don't tell my husband what he looks like because he might flip ot if he knew i was dating his brother." cause you knwo Christmas would be wierd and all....
....i confess i needed the humour of this today. thank you!

congrats on the anniversary and hope ou like my present of being back at 500!lol

cleared cookies.added pop up window. logged out and rebooted computer. stupid not able to comment any more! i will figure out how to fix this!

What the what blogger????

why can't i comment on other blogs? i type the cmment an ten when i try to post it requests i sign in, which i have done or do.....aian and agan to no avail!
is this just me or is any one else having this issue? or if you have had the issue ho do you fix it? it has been going on for a few days (some days are hit and miss at that) and i have missed a couple things i would have liked to join in or say.

....continued....

well still haveing some issues with the attitudes at the picnic today. I heard from a member of the group that they thought what i had chosen to bring...or the mentality of it should have been what the whole group did. That we should have hd a "healthy" meal as out picnic not 12 versions of mayo potato salad and such. Don't get me wrong I likes a tater as much as the next person. A fry you up some onion and white taters....oooowwweeee good stuff people!
But anywho I was like "um ok....then why didn't you say anything?" didn't bother to ask why that person was one of the people picking at me for my food choices.
I am tring hard not to become disenchanted but the shiney is definatly off the new. :(

I am also pretty sure "crappiness" follows me around these days. I ran into a Huck's convience store earlier to get a drink. Well i got a unsweet tea and while i was pouring it some guy comes up and says "hey fatty, sweet enough for you?" i was like did you just call me ...and hesays" yeah i asked if it was sweet enough for you fatty." what the hell? I don't know this guy from Adam and I honestly have no clue where he was coming or going. I pointed at the sign that said unsweet tea and just looked at him. The awesome part.....not one of the other people standing at the drink station said a word to the guy. I know some of them heard him because they were staring at us.

Well the migraine fom this weekend is back and for some reason my legs/shin/calf are killing me tonight.

Night all.

.......

Had mom's care plan meeting.
She is not coming ome like the nurse said. Apparently thy feel she will not ever be able to come home or do assisted living.
Had the weight loss group picnic today. Headache in and of it's own self. The highlight of it was that several people commented bcause i wouldn't eat the hot dogs. I brough turky and I brought extra to share. I ha tomato, lettuce and healthy buns to eat them on. I also brought fresh fruit and a small veggie tray. I ate none of the desserts, chips mayo based items or such and it was waorse than being at your italian grandma's for dinner. "Eat some of this" "try this" "why aren't the hot dogs good enough for you?" yes some one aked tat. i said they were find but i had wanted turkey burgers instead so i picked some up and then it became try to get wendy to eat a hot dog day. I had so many food pusers coming at me and those who weren't hard core pushing were telling me "well you haveto have treats now and then" i get that but i have done almot 37 years of reats no and then and fr me there hve been way to many now and thens. Everyone examined my food choice because, well i guess becuase they could and made some comment as to why i was trying to be so healthy. One lady even said "I don't everwant to be that healthy...yuck!"
I don't get it.

more later...the boy is hollering for me.....

Well if you can't say anything nice.....

So i guess I won't say anything other than it is becoming last week all over again for me. And it seems to be charging interest.

When I can't sleep ...Or more commonly known as my youtube addiction

Hello my name is wendy and i have a problem. I am addicted to youtube and when i can't sleep i tend to watch way too much stuff off of it.
One night I watched the whole Little House mini series ....did you know there was one? And that Melissa Gilbert is not in it? You should youtube it.

but tonight I need humor so please....humor me;)




This guy rocks my socks...old enough to be my daddy but with those lungs I could so over look the age thing. Well if i wasn't married and he promised to sing for me on demand;) And if he wasn't married as well.



Little known fact about me....I used to rock this song. I had three bands ask me to join becuase of this song. SSShhhh the hubs doesn't even know that detail about me.



My son rolls his eyes at this one when it plays. (sorry the video is so cheesy but it is classic Meat Loaf and what goes better with meatloaf than cheese?lol)I keep trying to tell him he needs to know his Meat Loaf...one day Meat Loaf will be the reason his wife marries him. You should see the eye rolls that gets me!







Anyhoo aside from sharing how I humor myself when I can't sleep I am also sharing a years long goal of mine. I want to go see Meat Loaf in concert. He has come withing three hours of my home but each time something has happened and going to the concert didn't.



And when I listen to him sing I get the "maybes". Maybe one day I will get to see him sing in person. Maybe one day I will finally learn to play piano because of him. For some reason his music makes me want to play piano. Maybe one day he and I could hang out one afternoon and he can tell me how the heck he kept on keeping on with everything so negative around him. Maybe I can tell him that when the day is just that bad or I need to take some time out I go driving at the lakes just me and him singing duets at the top of our lungs ;) we have actually gotten pretty tight on this one...



well this one too....



this one we can probably do for an encore....just saying ;)


Sorry this turned into a Meat Loaf Love Fest. I do watch other things on your tube. But gosh I love his music and voice! The emotion is there in every note and letter! And he has a song for every twist and turn of the roller coaster we call life.

I promise this post reflects all of my own unpaid opinions. Meat Loaf doesn't know me and didn't ask as a favor from me and my awesomenss to talk about him. Although if he did shoot me an email or called and asked me too I would definatly do so and let all yall know how nice he probably was when he asked. I would have to let him know I am not happy abotu the name change. Marvin was a perfectly fine name and there are already so many Micheals in the world....you could have left well enough alone there Meat.

Good grief I need some sleep I think I have definatly crossed into looney land!lol

Past few days....

Well let me see what level of catch up I can play before the washer ends and I have to reload.
1) weighed in on Tuesday...up 8 dang pounds! And had to argue the weight recorder because they said I stayed the same weight. Um no 366 (what i weighed on tuesday) from 358 (what I weighed the tuesday before) make a 8 pound gain. Come one. I can get that one with out a calculator so i know i am right!
2) From out of no where today Aunt Flo decided to show up almost two weeks early! What the heck lady? Do you think I just sit around and wait for your visits? And sorry but WARNING PROBABLY TMI but she hits me with such full force that i need her to be here when she is supposed to be not early or it can make for some very night mare from highshcool like moments. Which it just about did today!
3) I still have a hitch in my giddy up about the weight loss group I am in doing WeightWatchers. I have rolled it around and rolled it around and it still bugs me.
4) When I was at my weightloss group another woman demanded my food journal from me. I was rather annoyed with this because this group (there are three thicks as theives and as annoying as posion ivy in your girl parts) of women acted like I just killed a bus load of nuns when i refused them. Apparently at some point in my year absence from the group they came up with a food journal challange on their own and pushed it at every meeting until others accepted it to get them to shut up. The idea is you keep a journal, show it to them for them to lord over and decide if you need a token that week for a chance to win a month's worth of free dues. Well funny only one person other than these three women ever win free dues. And the other person has only managed to get it once in a years time. Well in all it's good and bad I have kept up with my food and journaled it for the last two months because honestly I thought well it is a ok idea even if they did come up with it.
Ok so back to last Tuesday, I told the lady finally after sevral comments "ok fine catch" and tossed my ipod touch at her and said the food journal was on there under a sparkpeople app and to have at it. Well duh on me you have to have internet to open the app and since it was on their "official" (wich is a hand drawn chart one of them made) page it doens't count. WTH? It doesn't count? which is odd because i have never been offered/ or given upon request their chart and I personally like my app that gives my nutrition to me and keeps my calorie count for me.
Doesn't count my butt chick.
Well some words were exchanged and of course your's truely Miss Too Big For Her Britches here pops off at the woman after a couple of commentsshe made at me that I tried to let slide and threw a big ugly remark her way. And it was ugly of me. I commented about how "pathetic she was being because she didn't have anything else of value going on for herself that she has to be such a (word I won't repeat) and to get the stick out of the (word I won't repeat) out of her @$$. Well she rightfully fired back and called me a couple of names and said that "all the people just put up with me there because they had no other choice." that " if they could ban me they would and everyone felt that way." Well at this point you could hear crickets in the room. I just turned around and smile at her and said "you know what...you might be right about that. everyone might feel that way...every last voice in your crazy head is probably telling you those exact words as I speak but that like her I don't give them much thought because for some one so "disliked" then why did 90% of the group come and ask me to take my weight recorder position back? and the oddly enough the person who took it over when my job changed and forced me out of it even offered it back to me?" I mean come on if that was true i will kiss her bare butt at high noon on the court square on the fourth of july and give away watermelon to the spectators just to have more peole come watch! They had just elected the postions a short bit before I came back and I would have been ok with taking it back if not for mom's health and my job search and I honestly felt like since there were a couple new people it wasn't very thoughtful of me to do so. I wouldn't cotton to a stanger suddenly showing up and weighing me with out much thought.
But anyway. Words have been said. This woman doesn't like me and hasn't since I started there. I hadn't thought either way about her really until when I wanted to be elected weight recorder and during the elections she tried to get voted for everything else and couldn't and then suddenly went after the position I wanted she had been heard to say wasn't worth her time. Plus we have all caught/heard her telling other people's weigh in numbers. She just over hears them through the door and wall I guess. I have been told by other people they felt uncomfortable with her having their numbers (weight) and would have refused her being elected. But anyway.
She and I had words. I said words no one should ever say in a certain type of building *hangs head in shame* and we meet in that certain type of building.
I did talk to the president afterwards and since I wasn't able to stay for the meeting (I had mom stuff to handle)I asked him to share my apologies for my actions with everyone. And now I don't even want to go back on tuesday for weigh in. Maybe ever go back. It just seems so much is stacking up against this group and it all seems to be on me.
5)Thursday of this week I had the worse day I have had in forever. I couldn't breath without crying and being so broke down I seriously thought I should have the boy (who is 16 at the end of this month) drive me to the ER to have them check me out. I wailed and snorted and snoted until I literally cried myself to sleep for a couple hours on the couch. And then I cried more. My eyes are still pretty swollen (i look like i have had allergic reaction).I did ok Friday but had a couple of "crying jags" and have only cried a few times today. I don't know what this is. Maybe emotional and physical exhaustion? Maybe the new meds aren't my friend? (The new med being prystique...which lucky me I don't have the wieghloss problem that is such a common side effect it is being widely prescribed off label over it)Maybe it is the not being able to find a job and feeling so pathetic over it. Maybe it is everything that has gone on with mom. Maybe there is just so much going on it is a break down of sorts. I do know my husband and son are keeping a tight watch....it maybe becuase i kind of started crying like a loon again during Pirate of the Caribean the other night. They took me to see it to cheer me up and yeah some part in the begining and the tears were on me like lions feeding on a wildebeest at dinner in the Serengeti!
6) yesterday a "friend's" soon to be ex husband took out some of his frustration at my expense on me and when I told him I was not getting in the middle of it it became "dinner time on the serengeti". I am not happy with her and some things she has done and i am not happy with some things he has done. And that is the worest i will say and the most i will ever get in to their business.

still with me?

7)The nurse came to me at mom's last night at about 7 pm to tell me I need to plan for her discharg as it would be occurring soon. Mom can not live on her own yet...maybe ever.... and will need assisted living or better rehab. The nurse then pushes me to discuss this with mom last night. To the point of she came in mom's room while we were there and asked mom if i talked to her yet about her discharge. Well my mom has had two strokes, both of which should have taken her from us in her their own right so you can imagine what two strokes like that have cause along the lines of brain trauma to her...mix that with head strong person who wants to go home that she is and you get crying dinner on the serengeti effect.
Today, after along night of stress and crying, i started to wonder why the nurse came in with this not adminstration or a caseworker or some such person. I called the rehab place and requested the on call person call me asap as it is saturday and the one who is supposed to be there due to family issues. Well the head person of the caseworkers/nurses calls me back. I explain to her what i was told and what happened last night and that i was sort of upset how it was handeled. She told me she has no idea why the nurse said this to me or to my mom as they aren't looking to discharge her for a while yet. That she is not even up for a review to be discharged. Again...what the he//? And this discovery led me to plop every issue we have had with the facility, and strangley enough the same nurse is envolved each time, out there on the table. Several issues surprised the lady i was talking to as she is the person who is to be notified of anything new/different/odd about a pt. Even if it is they might have slightly slipped with no injury she is to be told about it.
So now there will be meetings on monday or tuesday with her, I and several other people. I am not one bit ok with my mom being there right now. I don't think she will get hurt or anything I am just so upset about it all though.

crap what number am I on? Well maybe that means I have yammered enough...especially since my washer stopped 20 minutes ago!

I am sure there have been good things in the week. It is just that they have some pretty big shadows to try to come out from under.

Hope everyone else has had a better time of things!

Drowning in my own pain.

I miss the mom i used to have so bad today it is damn near killing me. I know I can drive an hour and go see the person who is holding her place these days and maybe, if I am lucky enough, I might catch a glimpse that seems so close the to the used to be her that I can hang on to it for a few more whatever.
I miss the woman I used to call when I was hurting. And God I hurt so badly today. By the way God where did you go? I was raised in the church and I believe in you. And i was always taught you don't give us any more than we can handle but you have to stop. I can't take anymore. I can't get through the last sevral months to even breathe right now. What did I do to you to make you so mad at me?

I just hurt so much today. I have cried for the last 3 hours. I sat in the tub with the shower on trying to make it stop and cover up the noise. I have tried to talk myself down just hear my own sobs drown out my thoughts even. I don't get what I have down so wrong to feel this badly.