Tuesday, April 5, 2011

A piece of me.

This may be a post that doesn't belong here. It may be a post you want to pass by. I believe in putting things out in the world so that maybe, some how, the world gives them back to you in a more manageable piece. A more livable form. I HOPE if i can get this out I can get rid of some of what I guess is anger or hurt or whatever it is. I can't tell at times.
Ok so if anyone wants to skip this I don't blame you and I totally respect you for it.........

January 31st of this year my momma suffered a hemorrhagic stroke. Two weeks later she had a aneurysm bleed. We have been in two hospitals and now she is in long term rehab. My momma is not the same person. She doesn't know things. She tells me she talked to daddy earlier or that such and such happened when she, her momma, my son and i went some where. Her daddy passed four years ago and her momma passed on my 16th birthday. I am 36 now. She says so many other things that are as a friend puts it, "talking out of her head". How do I correct this things or do I let her brain do it? Will her brain do it?
She is having to relearn so much. I have to handle her accounts and home. I have to make sure she gets to appointments and that the things she needs are brought to her. I have to tell her she can't leave with me and go home. Not yet.
I am mad. I am angry, pissed, and furious. I cry out for the momma I am scared I lost for good while visiting the person who is occupying her space for the time being.
I want to call her and ask her what to do......but she can't tell me.
I want to scream in rage and sorrow. This should have not happened to a healthy person like her. It should have been me, this was mine not hers. Why her? I am the over weight one, the one who is lazy. This was not hers. It was mine.
I want to cut off my hair to my scalp in mourning for who I am scared is gone from me forever. I want to build my own wailing wall in my back yard and tuck memories and pain between the cracks.
I want the world to see my pain. I want to lay it bare and let everyone examine it until it is thin and numb. I want it gone but I don't want to let it go.
I want to lay with my head in her lap and let her pat my hair and cry until for the love of everything good it stops.

1 comment:

Kimberlynn said...

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. I have never had to face this in my own life, and can only imagine how you must feel. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. And for the record, this is YOUR blog. You can say and do anything you want here...no explanations or apologies necessary. You write beautifully and should continue to pour your heart out here...and in prayer!!! God's grace is more than enough to carry you and your family through.

Praying for you!!!

Be blessed