Wednesy...no wensda..wait...wedensday....

I am so tired i can't spell the day! I am honestly sitting here and trying to spell it but for the life of me I can't with out a little spell check help! Btw it's wednesday. all this name of the day talk has reminded me of the Monday's child poem....

Mondays child poem


Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.


Which made me look up what day of the week I was born on. I think the poem is wrong because I was born on Monday. But if you take the boy for example , he was born on friday, it is as correct as perfection.
HHHhhmmmm.

Anywho...busy day already. I got up got ready for the day, loaded the dishwasher and fixed some breaksfast. I then ran to rite aid, walgreens and the bank before heading over for a counseling apt. Which over achiever me scheduled for the next 6 months worth of appointments! I think I have hit the honeymoon phase of the new medication I am on. I just hope this lasts. It would be nice to be "on" instead "huh?". Then I went to this place called Beans to Blossoms to pick up some snow peas (which I had some from there last night and if a snow pea can taste perfect their's definatly do!)a hanging basket of picasso petunias that they made up for me.
I also found out while I was there I had planted my zinnia's more like grass should be planted. So I asked them if they wanted my extra seedling so as not to just throw them away. They said sure.

So as you can guess miss can't spell but in the honey moon phase and "on" over here came home started lunch and dug up a few hundred zinnia seedling and took them promplty back over there. I think they didn't believe me when I described what I had and how I planted but I am confident they do now.
After dropping them off I scooted home, dead headed the garden, ate some lunch and have been plotting revenge on the squirrles for digging up whole tomato and pepper plants!

I am tickled with how much better I feel today compared to the last few weeks. It is awesome. Well except for that from the gardening and all my legs hurt so bad that when I sit down they shake. And I kind of can't get them to stop. I am sure it is from using muscles I have ignored for eons and nothing serious. It is kind of funny though. I have always been a leg jiggler but this is a whole new level. I think I am going to get me some alieve and quit picking at my lunch and take a nap.

And it is only Tuesday!

I swear it feels like a week should have already passed but no such luck! It is only Tuesday. I am so tired I could curl up in the bathroom floor, barricade the door and cry myself to sleep while sucking my thumb. And I am not ashamed to admit it.

We looked at another rehab place for momma. Fell in love and then they ask what her insurance is...which they don't take. Come on people. Found out her dr has been sitting on her paper work for two weeks on top of the other one sitting on it for 6 weeks. And the people waiting for the papers say they call every three days until they get it....which...you guessed it they didn't. How do all this people keep getting a paycheck for not doing their jobs? Oh and the people waiting for the papers and I were on the phone when at one point the woman i was talking with berated how I have handled things and that I have done everything wrong and i must get paperwork that doesn't concern her from the people it does concern as it has private medical information on it. I finally told her after she accused me....me...she accused me of being irrational and telling me to get a hold of myself that she needed to worry about her part and the paper work that concerns her that she didn't keep in touch over on any level so far and not tell me how to take care of one of the few aspects of this whole sitaution that are taken care of absolutly the way they should be.
I can not believe the woman called me irrational and all that phooey. And this was her reply when I simply asked her " what do I need to do to get you what you need today to start getting my mom her disability again?". I said it nicely enough that when she started yelling at me on the phone my son was even shocked.
I think I need some migraine meds and a nap until Thursday or Friday rolls around.

Oh an i still have to go grocery shopping tonight.

And I have not lost any weight this week. I maintained but still......it sucks.

What day is this again? Tuesday? Are you sure? Maybe the calendar is off?

Monday whupped up on me!

Long day of working on mom's diabiity paperwork again. I wrote a new pen dry working on it last night! I have also spent 3 hours on the phone today with her dr.s in paducah and tn trying to get them to get disability the papers they need for her claim.
I ate micky d's for lunch. Not such a great idea.
I then ran errands, went and picked up my son from school and took him for after school snack. I came home and just got a casserole in the oven for dinner when my phone rings and flashes the rehab center's name. My first reaction was oh no! When I answered the phone it was mom demanding to go home. Well long story short the boy and I went to visit and explain the dr is not ready to discharge her yet. We did sign her out to take her by her house to check on things as she said she would be happy if she could just do that. Well we went by her place and drove around some other places. Taking her back to rehab she became highly aggitated and refused to talk to me. Then when will start to pull into rehab she starts telling me no. I explained to her again the dr isn't ready for her to go home yet. Then when we parked she refused to get out of the truck. After 15 minutes of me asking and her refusing she got out but hollard at me demanding her keys because she would just leave later. Ok ok ok. We get her inside and i update nurses on what we did and how things went. One nurse was nice enough to tell me it was probably a bad idea to check her out. No really? You think? Huh I would have never guessed.
I go back to her room and between my son and I we got her settled down and settled in. She asked me not to call the dr and when I asked why I would call the dr she said not to call him and ask him to keep her there. I am still not sure how the breaking on the inside of me at that moment didn't crack through to the outside. I told her I would never do that. And I told her if she needed me to live with her when she can go home I would. She then asked about my son and his going to school. I said he could still stay at home and go to school or I would put him in school in her hometown and take him and pick him up each day. She then nodded her head at me.

Let me back track to going to her house though for a bit as my son and I had to go back after leaving her. When we went by earlier going in I discovered her door was completly unlocked. Odd since I and my son check it each time and only she has keys to it. Mom also mentioned when she looked in her bedroom it looked like someone had beeen on her bed. Like had laid on top of the cover on it. I went out back to check things out and found part over fence is broke and the plants beside it trampled. So some one has been messing with my mother's home. I found out the neighbor's kids are running wild around my mom's home from another neighbor and so one police report later and a planned trip to pick up some light timers I am hoping this is the worest of it. I just can't believe people! My mom is the kind of neighbor who has your back....so why can't her's at least respect her and reel their kids in?

Dinner was chic fila, waffle fries and lemonade........I so don't wnat to weigh in tommorrow. Well poop. make that today as it is now 12:02am! ugh!

What the what?

So i am trolling around the blogs this morning while eating my oatmeal (fyi Bob's Red Mill extra thick oats rock! not a advertisment or review just my opinion:) ) when what did I see???? My blog listed on some one else's blogs I read list! No kidding??? I was so tickled I almost pee'd myself:) I feel so cool now...i can see me or at least my blog name on one more person's reading list!

Sorry I think it has gone to my head now! lol watch out Pioneer Woman by tommorrow visits to my site will out number your site's visit.....well maybe they will out number the times me, myself and I visit your site daily anyway;)

Now I just need to learn how to follow others! Woo boy then won't I be even more awesome? lol!

Unnatural Fascination

I am so deeply fascinated with this song and video. I love how Adele looks in it. I love the glasses with their water shaking. The dancer in the powder. The broken dishes! All of it! EVERY BIT OF IT!

Lately this has been my go to song.
When I find myself singing this song for any and every reason these days. I am happy and we go "Rolling in the Deep" and "I start playing it to the beat" as loud and strongly as my body will allow me.
When I hurt well "Tears are gonna fall" and I feel so alone in my pain and hurt that "Baby, I have no story to be told" because I feel that alone inside of it all.
When I am upset or frustrated and "Finally, I can see you crystal clear,
Go ahead and sell me out and a I'll lay your shit bare,
See how I'll leave with every piece of you,
Don't underestimate the things that I will do", especially when in concerns family or friends.
If you do choose to mess with mine well "Think of me in the depths of your despair".
But sadly when it comes to me, myself, and I "The scars of your love, they leave me breathless" because honestly I open myself too deeply and quickly. Wanting to be liked and needed.
But soon you will see that "There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark," and hopefully I will be able sing it all out into a wonderful freeing feeling that if I am lucky will "Turn my sorrow into treasured gold".

Not too bad a day all in all.

Tonight we went for a drive. Well we started out going to LBL (Land Between the Lakes for anyone not familiar with "LBL") to go to eat at this little burger stand. I figured out when we got there that I forgot it was Tuesday and the burger place is closed on Tuesday:( So then we headed to drive by the locks and damn dam (sorry little Lampoon humor for you there) because all the locks are open to allow for all the flooding water coming through. It was crazy to see all the locks open! Last year this time I don't think but half of them were open when Tn had all their flooding but I could be wrong. So any way we stoppped by a pizza place for dinner which was so so.Kind of dissapointed since I have heard all this raving about it and it didn't really live up to it. After we eat the fam gets back on the road and we go see momma at rehab. She was pretty popular tonight. Two of her other friends were there and it was starting to be standing room only. I was glad though she and I had some alone time at the end where I got her old nail polish off her and helped her get settled for the night.
I didn't get to weigh in this morning....now for the second week in a row:( the person with the scale is flooded in:( :( :( He is ok though. I told him call if he needed anything....we could float things across on one of those pool rafts or some such if nothing else :)
I almost went back to Weight Watchers tonight.....because I couldn't weight today and because I miss the nice people there. But it will be ok.

I have started taking blood pressure meds. Apparently the stress is getting to me. On Easter Sunday my bp was crazy high. So let's hope the meds help.....which let me just add one is a, oh shoot...what is it called? I remember hearing women call them their "water pill" back in the day. Well "water pill" is a good nickname! ooyyeee!
It is doing it's job which is good but wow!

Oh and on the job search front I recieved a few rejection emails today. Last week I was all thrilled with this apply online part of job searching but this week when rejection comes via email....not so much.

I have also delt with alot of mom's affairs/business today. People really are beyond me with how they act at times. And while I am sure I am probably beyond others with my actions at times today has really been a day and a half of attitude!

But all in all it has not been too bad of a day. We have a roof and dry clothing. We had a nice dinner out as family. I saw momma and visited with her and friends. And honestly it coudld all be so much more worse! So thank you Lord for letting me keep my momma even with all I have to get done for her. Thank you for my son and husband and our family time. And oh what the hey thank you even for my cat who even as I type is promptly cutely killing a roll of paper towels under the desk :) Your a pretty good provider Lord!

Stages

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

These are what are commonly known as "The Five Stages of Grief."
I wish I knew what stage I was in.
I find myself wallowing in these five words more often than not over sitautions that range from 'I have eaten so off plan this whole week' to 'I need my momma' to 'when am I going to find a job' all the way back to childhood's 'why did my uncle give me the presents that my dad brought to his house for me as kid as if my dad hadn't brought them for me?'. I didn't know as a child this occured mind you. I was told by step mom a couple of years ago about this and she described one rag doll (among other items he left for me) that for years I never have been able to understand why my doll loving cousin would give her doll hating cousin (me) a rag doll. And when I did ask why I got doll I was told they thopught we both needed dolls that year. By the way my cousins doll drank a bottle and would pee and close her eyes.
I know I can't change the past and I can't control the future. But don't ya think I could gain some hold on the present? Heck I am so wound up in these words I am in differen't stages for different situations all at the same instance. I am denying my health issues, trying to accept things with momma, angry at the father I wish I had had, and bargining with God over personal relationships all while being deeply depressed about the whole mess!
I wish I knew how to be happy. The day to day kind of happy that is. Free of the past issues, all delt with and neatly put away. I want to be "normal". I want to be the kind of person you see in the kind of relationship see where a couple goes to bed, she putting on lotion and he reading a book and they are all friendly and smoochy. But I am more of the give me space and my pillow and leave me be to shut my mind down so I can have some peace type.
I have always been told I care too much and I hang on to things....but honestly I think that is part of the problem with alot of things today. People don't care enough! But can I possibly care too much? Can caring kill? Maybe, since I am drowning in the deep end of these stages.
I wish I could drop all my baggage but in all honesty the more I try to lay it down it just seems the more I end up carrying.